Personal-type Of Thought(s)

What We Cannot Say…

At times, people have a way of putting words together that we cannot express ourselves.  I consider myself to be a good guy.  I never said I love you first to anyone.  They usually say it to me, even my family; but they know I love them by the special things I do to show it.

I have not many friends because I had been hurt a lot before.  Some had made fun of me because of my race and culture.  Others had attempt to bully me because of the things my parents had and I was given good things in my life by them.  Even some made fun of me because I would die for my dog, knowing they have a short life span on earth.  I see people take for granted of the little things in life.

Watching YouTube videos most times, I have learned things about myself that I would not have known before.  I have learned what it is like to be homeless with nothing.  I have learned what it is like to be ridiculed and toss around like a bag.  I have learned what it is like to be afraid.  I have learned what it is like to be loved.  I have seen through the eyes of a dog about pain, resentment, and hurt.  I have seen through the eyes of other animals that are hunted for game not as a source of nourishment.

I look out of my window in my home and stare at the green grass and listen to the birds sing.  I look at white butterflies that fly around the home.  I look at my vehicle sparkle as the sun bounces off it.  I look at the wind blowing the tops of the trees.  I look at the high flying hawks and wonder what it is like to be that free.

Afraid of being who I am, there is one thing no one can take away from me, well actually two things.  The first thing is my education and knowledge.  The second thing is how loved I am by family and God.

I will like to share a video with you.  I hope you enjoy it and find it comforting in some way.

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Life Experiences, Personal-type Of Thought(s)

Why is That?

Being a man of mixed race, I am often looked upon as a question of… why is that?  Lots of people want to say I am playing the race card or saying this is about racial relations between groups of people.  I believe talking about racism and the effects of it is the best way to rid most of racism, not all, but most.

Dating has always been a hard thing for me.  Being light-skinned, most women of European descent believe I am too dark to be with them and most women of African descent say I am too light to be with them.  Introducing me to a European family is virtually impossible because most are raise with believe people of African descent are bad influences and cause havoc in society.  However, if you look at music and influences on music who are usually the most influential people of music?  Even the Rolling Stones picked the name of their group from a lyric in a Muddy Waters song.  When American artists of African descent go to other countries, they are greeted and welcomed with open arms; more so than the country in which they were born in.  Introducing me to an African descent family is easy because society looks upon me as being of African descent not being of mixed race.  Society do not expect a non European descent man to date anyone that is of European descent.  Society feels like it’s race mixing should never be done.  Society believes women that are of European descent are much too good for men of African descent or of mixed race.  Usually, women of European descent will only date outside their race as a last resort, when their own race don’t want them due to their body shape, being considered as trailer park trash, or having a child of mix race and their own race would be embarrassed to be seen with them.

I remember two very different instances where I often was asked the question of why is that?  Instance one was a time where I dated a woman of African descent who has three different children by three different men.  One man was in jail at the time.  Another man lived in a different state.  The third man was in the child’s life.  I was fortunate because I only had to deal with one guy while dating this woman.  Imagine if I had to deal with all three of the men.  She tried to change the way I talked to be more “hood” (relating to or of urban ghetto).  She tried to get me to change my musical tastes to more hip hop and rap, especially groups that I would not enjoy listening too.  Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy hip hop, but the older groups such as Run DMC, Eric B & Rakim, and other groups who have a message behind their music.  She tried to get me to dress more street as in sagging pants with my underwear showing.  This woman believed what she thought I should be in society is a man of a typical mixed race man, or what society would still refer to as a man of African descent.  Not changing the way I talk, musical tastes, or the way I dress caused her to believe I was trying to act more “white” (caucasian, European).  I felt I could not be myself and I asked myself… why is that?  Do I have to sacrifice myself to be liked by women of African descent?  Society believes I am crazy for giving up on this woman because in their eyes I’m of African descent just like her and it would have been a great relationship.

Instance two was a time where I dated a woman of European descent who has four children as well.  However, she was married before and had two children by that one person and two by a previous relationship.   The ex-boyfriend is not in the picture, yet she receives child support for the two kids.  The ex-husband is in the lives of the other two children, who is a racist towards people of African descent.  It really burns him up that his ex-wife would like me the way she did.  She did not try to change the way I talk because she was fine with it.  She did not try to change the way I dressed because dress decently.  Her musical tastes are Country and some R&B and never once tried to change my musical tastes.  Her kids loved me to death and wanted to go everywhere where I went.  One even wanted me to go to a father/daughter dance at her school in which I did participate.  I could really be myself, but something was still missing.  This woman is not really my type, yet she liked me.  What is that?  Her kids are of European descent, yet she could not find an European guy to date.  She is a plus sized woman, and not anyone where own race would consider attractive due to her weight.  Later, I found out I was a last resort for her because no one in her own race wanted her.  People of European descent would laugh when they saw us together because I was her last resort and no one else wanted her.  People of African descent would turn their nose up at us because we were a mixed race couple and I was with someone that is considered very obese.

Why is that?  Why are the obese European women attracted to African men?  Why are African women that are about something want a guy to make as much money as them?  Why are the European women go out with African men as their LAST resort?  Why are do most African women have a lot of children by a lot of different men?  Why are European women want to “hide” you away so no one can see that you are really their man?  Why do African women turn their nose when they believe you sold out?  Why are we the most judgmental country in all of the world, judging others on race and what they believe you should act due to race?  Why do people refuse to recognize most music derive from African artists?  Why do European people get tanned yet cannot stand the sight of an African person?  Why are men of African descent and men who are of mixed race who have morals are still looked upon as a menace to society?  Why do we have the first bombing ever on American soil in the ’20s in Tulsa, Oklahoma?  Why don’t European women date African men?  Why don’t African women date European men?  Why do we only get the scraps that others don’t want?  Why is that?

~CF Boston Brian~

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Personal-type Of Thought(s), Uncategorized

July 7, 2016 – A Poem

Wherever this life puts you through,
I am there with you.

Whenever you feel like all hope is gone,
I will be your strength to encourage you to fight on.

When life leaves its battle scars,
I am in the midst so don’t look far.

Look upon the Horizon and you will see me,
I will forever be,
your cheerleader.

So, put on that lovely smile,
for sorrow will only last for a while.

No matter where you go, I am by your side.
So, when you cry,
I cry!
When you fight,
I fight!

Together,
Forever!

~Boston Brian~

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